Bulimia consumed my life for 13 years.

Yikes, right?

Quite the opposite. I feel lucky and empowered because I battled that demon head on and won.

Sometimes we can become so consumed within an addiction before we realize what happened or how far we are lost. Thankfully, each day we are given a fresh opportunity to choose a new path for ourselves and whether or not we take it, well, that’s up to ourselves to decide.

Forget the cocaine, the Adderall and the alcohol, bulimia was a different caliber of addiction and was by far, the most difficult thing I have overcome. May 2021 marks my two year anniversary of being bulimic-free and it can still be a struggle, I confess. It’s taken constant commitment and extreme willpower for me to eat like a “normal person” (do they even exist?)

The following are the most impactful changes I have made in my life, that have allowed me to stay bulimic-free. Automatically, the first thing that determines if I am going to keep the food in my body or not, is the amount of food intake. Portion control, along with using intuitive guidance, prevents me from even thinking about throwing up my food. I have a wide variety of meals that I consider “safe” because I know I can eat them without feeling a sense of guilt that it’s going to “make me fat.” A big reason I continued to purge over the years was because I feared the extra weight or not fitting into my XS clothing anymore. Now, I am at a point where I have accepted how I look and know what triggers me into thinking about purging, so I am able to avoid an incident. I consider myself extremely lucky.

Currently, I follow a strict vegan diet and I can’t imagine it any other way. This has been a huge contributing factor to staying bulimic free. I went vegan 2 months before I stopped purging and when I have eaten non-vegan items, it didn’t go well. For me, I felt guilty about consuming animal byproduct and I now know that it would be an automatic trigger going forward.

Since I am so strict about avoiding animal byproducts/products, I do not restrict myself in terms of carbs or sugars. This is one way I am able to maintain my current path and it works for me. Also, I try to avoid reading nutrition labels to prevent relapse, incase I get consumed with a certain fat gram or calorie amount. I don’t like numbers; whether it’s my weight, what size I am or how many calories there are in a serving of food. It’s mentally healthier for me at this point in time.

As a recovering bulimic, social media can trigger an onset of unworthiness or unwanted comparison. I have been known to disappear from social media platforms without a trace. It’s honestly a relief being off the grid, from what I consider to be a toxic environment. Facebook and Snapchat used to be places where you would go to connect with your friends, but somehow ads and celebrities took over and these days, you can’t even find your friend’s content. It's just photoshop after photoshop, and it left me feeling sad; like I needed to drastically change my appearance. Now, instead of social media, I spend my time reading books on spirituality and self-help so I may continually grow to be the best version of myself.

An art form I have learned from all of this is: when to say No, and it truly is an art form. It’s empowering to have the ability to consciously choose for yourself. Before, when I was struggling, no one was home- I wasn’t making choices for myself. There was no sense of control over what I was doing. It was a routine, in and of itself. Something I can compare it to putting on your seatbelt after you get in the car; I threw up after I ate, for safety of staying thin.

Being bulimic was a big secret that nobody knew. Nobody. Hiding it made me feel ashamed and like I was a sham because I got to eat whatever I wanted and was rail thin. I am at the point where I have accepted what I’ve been through and no longer experience shame for my actions. I hope that my story can inspire others to see that there is a life waiting for you on the other side of addiction and it gets better every single day. There are more opportunities that I am able to create, without having to rush off after eating a meal. I can enjoy myself with others and let life unfold without having to control that part of myself anymore.